Jonathan Hacking's random ramblings

Reflections and things to be thankfull for

2010-08-12T18:35:00.000-07:00

This morning I realized that I have several things to celebrate:
1. I have had custody of my kids just over 3 years
2. I have been separated from my ex wife for just over 4 years
3.Out of my parents' house for just under 2 years.
4. In 25 days I will have been married to my wonderful wife, Julie for 2 years
5.In spite of the severe testing of her kindness, patience, and sanity, my wife hasn't gone crazy after living with me for just under 2 years.

For all of the above. I am truly grateful and feel exceptionally blessed.

Also, I am still employed at the same place I was at when my first marriage died..... I am grateful for the employment... but can anyone help me get a job that pays a bit better without so many important memories associated with it????

LOL , but serious as well..

The tree is finally out of my front yard and an update on my life in general.

2010-07-25T17:56:00.000-07:00

I may never do things the easy way, but I can honestly say that after digging at and chopping out the roots, pushing it over with a little help from my neighbors down the street, and choping the trunk off the roots.... my dead tree is now in my backyard and done by my own hands minus the actual pushing it down because my neighbor did come by to help.

For the most part I believe my life could be summed up as work, sleep, and see my family occasionally and spend entirely too much time looking for a better job that may or may not be closer to home.

While the wife and kids are away, I play???

2010-06-04T09:07:00.000-07:00

Sadly enough, I will be playing more than I work, but only if you consider the invigorating efforts of working inthe yard, play. I'm hoping to get a tree down today and by the end of tomorrow the gravel dug out from under the fence on my west side. I may even blog more today since.

Question for a paper I'm writing for school. I need an answer

2010-03-27T14:03:00.000-07:00

Do children of divorced parents preserve the ties between their parents that were disolved in the divorce?

Please comment on this, especially those who have experience in this. I believe that in some ways they do and would like to have other perspectives.

I think I officially have a music download addiction problem

2010-01-03T17:09:00.000-08:00

Hello,

I can honestly say that I look forward to when my free trial of zune to end because I can go back to buying my music and possibly cut back on my music consumption..... I think I've downloaded at least 1 GB of music per day with everything from soundtracks of movies that I like to artists that I normally am content to hearing on the radio. My wife, who loves her iTunes and downloading music that way, has gotten tired of me escaping every so often to download another 5 albums or more when she isn't watching. I'm actually afraid to look at my list of music that I've acquired to check and see what I'll find. I know that I like all of it. I've heard about half of it, and have developped a craving for music of a large variety.... but at the rate I'm going I'll have almost as much as my wife does on her 30 gb Ipod or more........

Okay, so maybe I'm over reacting a little bit, but I can't swear that I'm that far off.... after all, I have it on two systems and all the time I'm on one system, I'm downloading constantly, or it feels like it......

ANyways, I figured that this post could provide a laugh to those that know me.

Merry Christmas and a testimony on a Sunday

2009-12-27T17:19:00.001-08:00

Christmas isn't quite over for me yet, so I won't go too far into detail about it. I'm still looking forward to having it on the 30th with the kids. Check Julie's blog for details about it.

Jacob is getting baptized in a week and so I want to write a bit of my testimony.

I testify that God is our Father. He loves us and sent his son, Jesus Christ, to make it possible for us to return to him again. I know that our enemy is the Adversary, and he will fight all that is good. I have seen his power in my life as Jacob and I prepare for the baptism. I am excited about it, and scared at the same time. I know that Heavenly Father is also fighting for me and my family as well.

I write this Testimony in the name of Jesus Christ, (my redeemer and only hope), Amen.

2009-08-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

Today my kids were raring to go for thier first day of school. As you can see from the picture, Mary must think she is a model or something, because I couldn't get a picture of her standing normally, she posed at all of her pictures. We got to school just in time, but tomorrow we will be earlier and better. Nathan goes in for an assessment on Monday and is ready to go to school now.

I took today and tomorrow off so that I could make sure my kids got to school and to take care of them because Julie is on her way back home on Sunday.......

The kids are doing great....... it is really going to be a great year!

I have good kids

2009-05-13T20:02:00.000-07:00

I just felt inspired to say that in spite of my own parenting skills, my kids are turning out all right. They clean up when asked, they are great eaters, and are turning out to be pretty good people. . . That being said, they are also still works in progress, and eventually Julie will have us all up to snuff...... She's doing pretty darn good for what she married into, and with patience and hard work, she may end up with the family she always dreamed of having.

Good news

2009-05-03T12:44:00.000-07:00

Well, Good news this week. Custody evaluation has been abandoned because it was a futile. The custody evaluator said it would be impossible for her to recommend that Lisa have custody of the kids. I got a bit of a refund for what wasn't done.

I look forward to looking back at the struggles I'm going through and knowing that I've made it through them. I know that I'll get to that point, if I concentrate on getting to it.

I hope all is going well for everyone else. I am hoping to get through the upcoming semester that I've started a couple of days ago. I also am hoping that I can get a better paying job during the next six months as well. I also am hoping that Julie gets to feeling better during that time as well.

Life at the moment.......

2009-03-18T19:51:00.000-07:00

For those who have not spoken to me in a while..... I still live. I'm still working at Unisys, living in Orem with my wonderful wife of just over six months, and drive a little red Chevy blazer that I lovingly call the Little Other. If you see the vehicles I own, you'll understand. I regularly donate plasma for relaxation and the cash it provides my family. I'm still looking for a job that will help me use my MCSA, and allow me to work closer to home. Jacob wears glasses (in spite of the fact that I had been secretly hoping he would avoid some of my physical frailties) and is going to eye therapy. Mary's hair is growing out and she is turning into a beautiful girl, with more strength than she lets on when it. Nathan.... appears to be having a hard time reconciling the situation of his mother and I's divorce, and also is working on telling the truth on a regular basis. The youngest member of my family is the only one that regularly bites me, takes my side of the bed, and is rather obnoxious. She has thoroughly occupied the position of youngest child and yet she is not biologically anywhere near related to Julie and myself. CHARLIE..... my bratty puppy that seems to act like she is one of the kids, without the restraints that belong to that position. If she were a person, I'd say she was a teenager that used to be an only child...... which makes me worry about how children that Julie and I will have will behave when they realize that half the family goes away every weekend.

Oh well,

I wish everyone the best of luck and life.

Signing off for now

A Taleur

Mery Christmas and an update on my life at this point

2008-12-14T08:24:00.000-08:00

Well, News items:
Hyundai S Coupe died of a transmission problem. Bought an old Chevy Blazer to replace it with, which will be nice to drive in the early mornings because it has 4 wheel drive.

Will be spending Christmas in California With Julie's family. I honestly think the kids will get thoroughly spoiled

Julie and I are primary teachers, a calling I was thoroughly scared of because of my last experience teaching primary age children...... Come to find out, it is pretty fun and a good experience for me. When I teach lessons I really love it. I have between 3-5 children in my class and will miss them when they go on to another class in January. I'm a little bit apprehensive about the next group, but realize that most of it is in my head.

Being married to Julie has helped me see how introverted I am. I never thought of myself as so deep into myself, but when I see how Julie has friends that she contacts on a regular basis and has things to do with them, and even that she talks to her family weekly, well...... I'm lucky to talk to my friends every few months, and have gone weeks without talking to family before without it being a problem. I adore my kids and wife, and can tolerate the dog.

OK, on the subject of the dog, here's something funny to everyone else, but just a bit annoying to me. I'm the only person that the dog will growl at and bite at on a regular basis. She's scared of strangers, respects and loves my wife and only occasionally nips at the kids, (chewing on people rather than possessions, no marks, and nothing serious). She seems to think that the only way to get my attention is to nip at me. I realize the growl and snarling is play with me, and she does cuddle up and love me too, otherwise I'd think she hated me and would take appropriate measures.

Jacob, Nathan, and Mary are really excited about going to California for Christmas, and I'm going to be going crazy on Thursday and Friday while I'm not with them.

Well, I'll update everyone on what is going on during the Christmas Holidays as well when i get the chance or inclination. TTFN

Update on married life

2008-09-28T10:53:00.000-07:00

So I've been married 3 weeks and am in the house, have my kids, and last night my open house in Kaysville allowed my local friends and family to celebrate the fact that I got really lucky and am married to an angel who is working on getting her wings. I can honestly say that I love being married, but that it takes some getting used to. I still get in trouble because of old habits dying hard. (the Julie- Lisa mix up is killing me). I also find it odd that I wake up every morning with this gut deep fear that I'll screw this marriage up. I know, it is irrational. I also am starting to see the scars I still carry from my last marriage, and it takes a concious effort on my part to remember that I'm not dealing with the same person, so reactions are going to be different. I really wish that my dear wife didn't have to put up with some of the things that are engrained into my nature, that will take some time to get over. This week I've got an appointment with the custody evaluator, and honestly wish I could get some help and treatment for what ails me at this point instead of going under the magnifying glass to see if I'm able to take care of my kids. I started reading the scriptures again after a lapse of about 2-3 weeks because of how I had been feeling and doing. I believe that I'll do better. This is my first writing in a journal format in about a month as well. I plan on posting pictures from my honeymoon and wedding and talking more about it in a later post.

Thanks to all the friends and such that have supported Julie and I. Our new ward's Elder's quorum is very helpful and they have helped paint our kitchen and also helped us get our roof fixed.

Who knows, I may start writing again if I can get myself together again.

Have fun, be good, and not necesarrily in that order.

Crazy life

2008-08-28T05:48:00.000-07:00

Who would have dreamed one year ago that under 10 days from now I'd be getting married again? I'm going crazy right now as I think of it. Pre- marriage jitters.

Last Friday I flew out to California to spend the weekend with Julie's family and get the marriage license. I forgot that I had to swear an oath when getting the license. While I was there, Julie's parents had their wedding anniversary and I got to go along for the ride as they went to Monterey, Carmel, and finished the day eating at Bubba Gump's. It appeared that all kinds of things were going right for my visit, because while we were at the beach, we even got to see dolphins, because they came within 50 feet of the shore. Too Cool!

So now, even after such an amazing weekend, I'm panicking. Not about getting the house ready ( hope to be able to lay tile on Saturday), but about getting married in general. I think it is the up hill battle that normally accompanies anything that is really going to be good.

Well, wish me luck, I'm in for the adventure that hopefully will last more than the rest of this lifetime.

Other piece of good news....We closed on our house

2008-08-10T07:02:00.001-07:00

I know that chronologically I have this messed up because I closed on my house on Wednesday, but I kind of thought it would be a good idea to put the one that hit me hardest first and then put in the good news that is going to have me working my butt off the next two weeks. Julie's going to be busy with the wedding stuff, and I've got to patch walls, remove wall paper, and repaint and then carpet and tile the floors. I'm going to be going crazy the next two weeks of work to get my house ready to move into and moving as much of my stuff into it as I and my kids can live without until after the wedding. That is crazy and I kind of expect to loose a bunch of weight because I'm not going to be eating much at home. I've been instructed to take pictures of the house on a regular basis, and to be completely honest, there have been some drastic changes already (Julie and her brother Chad and his wife, Amber have been busy and now there is no wallpaper in the living room and the ceiling that had problems with a piece of the texturing is now no longer a problem) . I'm going crazy now and haven't started much work on it myself per se. Our yard is dead for the most part, but we have a funky sprinkler system that I'm going to give a try at resurrecting what I can before we seed and pray this fall. I've never lived in the Orem area, so I'm going to be lost for the most part until Julie comes back.

Anyways, enough of the random ramblings. I've got work to do and a wild ride ahead of me for this life, and I have this feeling that this is only the drop at the beginning of the roller coaster ride. Have fun, and keep in touch. Will update when I can.

Julie and I have a DATE

2008-08-09T22:29:00.000-07:00

Thanks to a letter I recieved from the First Presidency today, I am proud to announce that Julie Westover and myself have finally set a date to get married. We will be married on September 6, 2008 at 11AM in the Oakland temple.

With this finally being settled, I now send out an urgent request to all that want to get invitations to the wedding. GET ME YOUR ADDRESS IF I DON'T ALREADY HAVE IT. The invitations will be going out on Tuesday if possible, so I need the address either emailed to me at jonpaup@yahoo.com or added as a comment to this Posting.

Good News, I passed my last MCSA test

2008-07-20T05:53:00.000-07:00

Good news to share. Don't we all love it when we have news that makes those that like us happy and those that want our downfall frustrated? Well, in this post I have 2 pieces of good news.

First, on Friday I passed the last test that is part of my Microsoft Certified Systems Administrator certification. Now I have only 1 more test to take and pass before mid August so that I can continue working on my Bachelors degree.

Second, yesterday Julie and I got our engagement pictures taken and they look great! Now all we need to do is get the approval from the First Presidency and be able to set a date so we can print and send our our wedding invitations.

Now one notice that I need to put out.

I am woefully short on addresses of friends and family that are up to date. If you haven't already contacted Julie, please email me at jonpaup@yahoo.com with your postal address ASAP if you do want to receive a wedding invitation.

Anyways, I hope all is going well in your lives.

Update on my life and what is going on for me

2008-06-29T07:13:00.000-07:00

I realize it has been a while since I've posted, so here is what is currently happening in my life, in random order as it falls out of my head.

All the papers required for me to get approval from the First Presidency to be married to Julie are in and now I'm only waiting the special envelope to come so that Julie and I can fax in the letter to the Oakland temple and set a date to get married in August. Once we have done that we can print off our announcements and I may even make a temporary blog that is private for those that need to see an invitation to the wedding. So those that want to be invited, please contact Julie and or myself because I at least have not printed off my guest list yet. Please include your address, otherwise I won't be able to mail you an invite.

Next, I'm pleased to say that I'm in the process of purchasing a house in Orem, UT. I hope to close within 2 weeks or so. Again, if you want the address, please contact either Julie or myself. It is a 3 bedroom house on a corner lot in a cull de sac that needs a bit of help (paint and carpets and 2 doors) with 2 fences and room for my kids and a dog. Yes, Julie and my kids voted and I haven't tried to veto the decision, we are going to have a dog.

I've grown a beard and am wearing contacts, so my appearance has changed a bit. I'm growing the beard because Julie likes it and I got contacts due to an optometrist who is a salesperson as well and hooked me up with a trial pair and got me addicted to seeing well from every angle, rather than just one or two angles through my glasses.

My parents and most of my siblings went up to Bear lake and had a fun time. My kids were up there the entire week with the rest, but I only took 2 days off so I had enough time to get thoroughly burned and had a good time as well. I shared a tent with my kids and had to explain that while Julie was camping with us, she was NOT going to be sharing our tent. You might say that they are a little bit excited about having Julie as a step mother. Frankly, I am excited to be marrying her as well.

Well, I believe that I've caught up on what is going on in my life at the moment, wish me luck with passing the tests I need to and getting everything done so that come August, I won't be completely crazy.

Tagged

2008-05-11T06:47:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by Julie, and so here it goes:

3 joys:
1. My fiancee Julie Westover
2. My kids
3.

3 fears
1-that I will screw up in what Heavenly Father has planned for me
2. the thought of Me ever hurting my kids again
3. that I won't be able to support my family

3 goals
1. Marry Julie Westover in August
2. Get my bachelor's degree in Network engeneering and then get my Master's degree in Instructional Design
3. Work with the church on getting an online institute and seminary program set up to make the program available for those who have more access to an internet connection than a major body of the church.

3 collections/obsessions

1. hats, I currently own 2 ball caps, one newsboy hat, and a leather hat with a brim that reminds me of Indianna Jones' hat.
2. movies-- I visit IMDB and yahoo movies at least 1 time per week
3. books.... if I like one book in a series I stand a good chance of reading the entire series and often acquire it either through purchase or inherit (I in herrited the Work and the Glory set from my grandparents)

3 odd facts about myself

1. I have never left the North American continent
2. I am double jointed/have long ligaments or stretchy ones at least
3. I was divorced at the same age as my father had been divorced.

I now tag my sisters, Ashlee and Angela, my friend Eric Widdison

Time changes .....reflections on what happened 1 and 2 years ago

2008-05-11T06:37:00.000-07:00

I find it amazing that this morning I could wake up with a tear in my eye in spite of everything.
2 years ago today Lisa told me she wanted me back forever...... At this point I think that hre definition of forever was more along the lines of what seemed forever for both of us-- 6 weeks. I think it will always hurt and leave me with a tiny hole in my heart when I think of it bitterly. At this point I believe that I'm much better off than I was last year and know that next year will be completely different from this one. I relish that thought. Last year I felt that I was snuggled as I was aching inside. Now I'm getting ready to go pick up my fiancee and know that she is the one I felt that time.

Yesterday Julie and I went and looked at houses. So far we have found 1 that we like enough to take a 2nd serious look at.

It is official!

2008-04-02T04:20:00.000-07:00

I guess now is the best time to announce it. On Saturday, March 29, 2008 I proposed to Julie Westover and she accepted. The following day my kids asked her to become their step mom, and presented her with the ring and she accepted that as well.

Now for the fun, and work, and busy life that happens when one gets engaged! I'm a bit daunted by all that I need to get done, especially with how my divorce complicates things, but feel right about it and hope that the Lord will keep up the miracles that have been coming my way already over the past 2 years. The hope is to get married in the Oakland Temple on August 8, 2008. I can't be certain of the date until I get my approvals to re-marry in the temple, but hope to get that within a month. Hopefully the temple won't be filled on that date by that time.

Well, wish me luck! I've got lots to do and only 4 months, 6 days, to do it.

Julie met my kids

2008-03-24T04:36:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a big day in many ways.

First, Easter, the reminder of our Savior's love and sacrifice. I was reminded that Jesus Christ is the only one that has the ability to pay for all of the effects of our sins and those that have sinned against us.

Second, I spoke to Julie's father for the first time over the phone. It was awkward for both of us, and we still made it through the process of me asking for permission to ask Julie to marry me. I felt kind of bad with how he ended up being one of the last people to know about Julie and I's intentions.

Third, Julie met my kids. They loved Julie from the start, and I could tell that she loves my kids as well. We went for a walk down the trail that goes along the Jordan river from Winchester Dr, to about halfway between 7200 South and 7800 South, looking for ducks on the river and having a good time. Nathan never seemed to run out of energy, and they each held Julie's hand at some point. I can honestly say that Julie fit in so well that I don't expect it to be the most difficult thing to get our family together. I'm not saying that it won't have hard times, but it feels like the Lord had this whole thing set up so that it is a lot easier than many cases.

And one more confession about what happened over the weekend. Julie and I went to the Shane Co. and got her rings. We'll be picking them up on Friday, so I don't have any images at the moment, but the wedding band is a simple white gold band, and the engagement ring looks nice with a round .5 carat diamond in the middle, and 3 tiny diamonds on each side of it. To actually see it you will have to wait until after Friday.

Coloring Easter eggs! Fun!

2008-03-20T19:58:00.000-07:00

Report on Julie and I's date

2008-03-17T05:02:00.000-07:00

I know that there are many people that have been waiting with baited breath for a report on what my take on Julie and I's first date and my impressions of her now that I've met her face to face for the first time. Being with her is as easy and natural as breathing. We fit. Our conversations still stay the same when we are in private as they did while we were talking on the phone. One added dimension to the relationship that is to be expected when we are together is that we pick up on each other's physical cues better because of our connection. For details about that connection you will have to ask Julie or myself directly.

Now what happened after I picked her up at the airport, and what happened the next day that she spent with me and my family?..... First, we dropped off her stuff at her cousin's house, with whom she will be staying for the next little while. Then we went out to Applebee's to talk and eat an appetizer sampler platter. We went ther to kind of avoid the chances of us running into my ex in-laws or people that knew my ex wife and I, so as to minimize complications on the first date. I ate most of the platter, because Julie didn't seem interested as much in eating as she was in talking. We did a lot of talking that night over our strawberry lemonades and the appetizer platter. What more can I say about that night? Okay, yes there was a kiss goodnight, and we did pray as we normally do at the end of our day. We figure it is a good way to start the relationship, since we are fairly serious about what is going on.

The next day went well. I picked her up at 8 am, so we could get to church on time with my family. I held her hand for much of the time we sat together, and few people asked questions about Julie's appearance. Either everyone was too afraid to ask, or they could already see that we were together and that it was completely normal. After church, we had dinner at my parent's house and even had family home evening. After that we ended up playing phase 10 and Julie seemed to fit so naturally with my family that I think more than one person's worries about Julie and i were eased. I took her home before I picked up my kids, but plan on introducing them to Julie next Sunday or possibly Friday if things work out right.

SO begins an adventure of a lifetime...... Have fun!

Roll Call and news

2008-03-02T05:49:00.000-08:00

I recognize that more people are reading my blog than are actually posting. With that acknowledgment, I need to know who is reading this blog, just so I understand my current audience.

If you aren't one that normally posts comments, please leave at least a note saying your name and where you are from.

I appreciate all my faithful friends who read my blog on a semi regular basis and really appreciate those that comment as well.

Now in addition to this roll call, I also will give a bit of news about what is going on in my life, (after all, that is why many of you read this blog in the first place).

First a bit of sad news, My cousin who has been missing for over a month, Kevin Prims, has been found dead, not far away from his apartment. It appears he got disoriented and died of hypothermia. His funeral is on Tuesday. He was a recovering alcoholic, and was a good man that left behind (I believe 3) daughters. He lived with my grandparents the last year of their lives and helped take care of them. I know that he will be missed, and I mourn his death, yet glory in the fact that he is freed from the bottle on a very permanent basis.

On a better note, I got the financial aid I needed just in the nick of time (I had 2 days left before I would not be able to start my next semester if it didn't come through) and have enough to cover all my expenses so that I can go on.

One more note that brings me quite a bit of happiness. Julie Westover is going to be moving down to Utah in just under 2 weeks. My relationship with her is complicated to explain to those who haven't been in the loop. The best way I can describe our relationship is that I believe I have been waiting for her to come in my life for a while, and had been put on alert to watch for her long before I met her. If you need more details, contact me personally and I will try to explain.

Again, Please comment just so I know who is reading my blog, I need to know who is reading this. I hope you enjoyed the news.

Sincerely,

Jonathan Hacking

The results of yesterday's court battle

2008-02-26T04:22:00.000-08:00

My faith in the court system has been restored. Judge Thomas Kennedy saw through to the heart of the matter and after hearing the arguments about why the divorce he signed should be ignored for the most part because Lisa didn't claim to see it before it was served to her, (it would be hard for it to get to the wrong street because it was the only street with the words Ensign and drive on record in the valley, and only one of 2 in the area with the word Ensign in the name that could be even in the same zip code) and he then went to the heart of the matter and said that what is most important is the issue of custody. He heard the arguments that the kids don't have 2 parents when they are in Lisa's care, and he seemed to accept them and he made some adjustment to the parent time arrangements and then said that we need to go before him for the custody battle.

I felt the angels that were in the room as the arguments were made. After walking out of the courtroom, My lawyer pointed out the fact that although the judge had not ordered a custody evaluator, that it would be in our best interest to get one and then have the arrangement to pay for it initially, and if we got custody, for Lisa to have to pay for it. I agree, and feel like Heavenly Father has handed me the dice in a colossal crap shoot, but I also believe that he has handed me loaded dice if I behave myself and work on being a better person. So now I need to get up the money to place my bet. My family is broke, and I'm not much better and it will cost $3000- $5000 to be able to do this. So I count on the Lord to help me provide the needed money to pull this off too.

Thanks for all your prayers, they have truly supported me. I hope all of you have a wonderful day.

Why is me being happy dangerous and a bad sign?

2008-02-17T18:19:00.000-08:00

I have been very happy recently and in love and I get the feeling that being that way is a bad thing. I am a bit frustrated with the fact that I have a reputation that leaves it a bad thing when I fall in love, because I have been married and divorced before. Don't people trust me to NOT want to go through that again? I understand some of the things that were in my last relationship that weren't healthy, and they were there from the beginning and I'm doing my best to NOT repeat the same mistakes, but still don't seem to get the credit to not trust my heart entirely and to use my head in addition to my heart when it comes to these things.

Sorry, but just a bit frustrated with the fact that when I fall in love, those close to me see it as a mistake waiting to happen.

I welcome your input, so please comment.

How could I test a theory I have?

2008-02-08T18:03:00.000-08:00

I have a theory that I need to test. Jacob told me last night in Parent Teacher Conferences that his teacher was scary. I don't know about that... Is it possible that with how his mother is, that he may have developed a fear of women? I don't want to talk down about my ex wife, but I will admit that she likes to keep everything under her control and she had me hen-pecked into a corner until she finally decided that she didn't want me around. I was afraid of her wrath, because she could hurt with words, looks, and she was even physically stronger than I in some ways.

So how can I test to see if my oldest son, Jacob, is afraid of women? I don't want to call anyone abusive, because I know that a mother will fight hard for her kids naturally, but I wonder if it isn't a matter of control. Does anyone know of any ways of proving the theory besides trying a male teacher? Please comment with ideas because I need to know how to be better able to help my kids through an already hard situation.

I need advice in regards to Valentine's day

2008-01-27T06:50:00.000-08:00

I keep on swearing to myself that I won't allow myself to hurt when it comes to holidays, but the next holiday is looking pretty darn bleak for me. Does anyone have any suggestions how to not drive myself crazy in the Valentine's season? I ask this because it is the holiday season that celebrates love, and although I would love to be in love, my chances at having love returned are pretty low... or at least from my perspective.

Anyways, just trying to stay sane and wondering if it is even possible in my case.

Things that came to me while watching August Rush

2008-01-26T18:00:00.000-08:00

I know that I've already freaked at least one person out who is involved in my life due to compulsions in my life that I didn't understand myself... But as I saw August Rush in my local Dollar theater, I realized why I have been so desperate.... I realized that I've simply been missing half my heart. I know now that I am and will continue to miss half my heart until I find the one heart who beats in tune with mine.

There was someone that didn't know me at the time that understood what could happen to a man in my situation. Good grief, she didn't even really know of me or my situation directly, but she did see someone else like me, and prayed that she could give "life support", or share her heart with me so that mine could keep on beating. I regret my actions that happened when I found out who she really was. I realize now that I tried to force what was only intended to be temporary life support, into full heart replacement. She never meant for it to be that... and Heavenly Father does want me to be happy, and he promises that I will have everything that I lost, with interest. I just wish I knew then, what I know now.

Good news--- Good things may come in threes

2008-01-25T18:34:00.000-08:00

Today I believe I have some good news to tell about. I took my Project + test today and passed it and so I now have finished my first semester with Western Governor's University. My ex wife also had no problem about having the kids this weekend so they could celebrate her birthday with her. So that is a 2nd good thing. Now with those two, I suppose that there's another thing that should be in the wings to celebrate... and there is to some degree. August Rush is now in my local dollar theater.

August Rush seems to move me more deeply than I can really express. The only thing that makes me nervous about it is the fact that I swore that I'd ask one woman I know to go see the movie with me.... or at least I felt very strongly that I should do that. The only down side to the whole idea is the fact that I have a record of 2 asks, and 0 acceptances when it comes to asking her out.

Oh well, c'est la vie, (that's life). I've had a good feeling like there will be something good happening in my life soon anyways. What does it hurt for me to hope for that to be it?

Anyways, have a good one!

I'm starting to post my book

2008-01-23T03:57:00.000-08:00

I believe that I will start publishing the book I've started working on on a private blog. Let me know if you want access to it and I'll grant you access and send you a link to it.

Funny things and not so funny thoughts over the past 24 hours

2008-01-18T04:10:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a very short fight with my ex wife. I was encouraging her to take the kids this weekend because they miss her and the fact that I told her that she can have them every weekend. The past 2 weeks she either was sick and couldn't take them, or had classes and didn't want to take them. This week she is sick again. I was annoyed with how she is recently too sick or busy for the kids. She lashed out at me saying that just because I didn't have to pressure her to take them just because I have a girlfriend. That was too funny to me! I didn't laugh though, because, after all, I was dealing with my ex wife and stressed in the first place. I explained to her that I did not have a girlfriend, but my comments to my kids trying to prepare them to eventually have a stepmother were preparing for something that will happen eventually. I guess I was a bit too loud, bitter, and harsh. I kind of wish I had a girlfriend, but that is just me being a bit selfish. I am selfish at times. Everyone loves to be in love and feel loved. It gives life the rose colored glasses that makes everything a bit more bearable.

I'm thinking about trying to pick up and write a novel again. I've been thinking that my life over the past couple of years was action packed enough to make material for a good novel... Just without the happy ending yet. If I make any real progress I may make a private blog to post it on to share portions with friends. I'll let you know if and when to send the requests.

May you all have a wonderful weekend. My kids will spend roughly 36 hours (give or take a few) at their mother's house this weekend if all goes well.

A link for a test that really should be taken on Monday before you allow yourself to work

2008-01-17T03:55:00.000-08:00

I am a fervent believer that Mondays are evil. No one's brain functions quite right on them, and it is rarely as much fun as any of the rest of the week. So, when I ran into this test, I decided it might be helpful to others who are trying to limber up their brain before subjecting it to the tortures of the regular Monday at work/school.

Monday Test

May you have a wonderful rest of the week and a good next Monday.

Has your life ever felt like it was in Neutral?

2008-01-15T19:41:00.001-08:00

Right now I'm feeling pretty frustrated with my life at the moment. Out of my 3 major tasks in life, I think only one is even close to moving. I'm frustrated because the direction I feel I need to be going in one area of my life has me beating myself against a brick wall. I've felt very strong impressions that I need to pursue one particular young woman, and we are different enough that any progress would be wonderful, but I am always at the point of giving up on her. I swear that if I didn't have witnesses often that I should be still looking in her direction I'd have given up on any social life whatsoever rather than keep looking in her direction. Patience and faith are simply not my strong suits, and I'm running out of both. I keep on wishing for an easier target, but everything else falls flat as the books I read to make life more interesting. Oh well, enough of my ranting.

Have a good one.

Can Anyone Hear Me!

2007-12-26T02:54:00.000-08:00

Sorry, but I need to know if anyone is readning this blog. Please post comments if you are so that I know who is reading and don't go into my silent ramblings on paper where no one else can hear me scream out in loneliness. Frustration does build with crying out in the dark for attention at times. My heart has not learned trust, my soul seeks for relief, and I'm trying to live again.

I can't say that I was deeply lonely yesterday. I got my kids at just after noon, and before then I reached out and said through a soul connection to a familiar spirit who I didn't try to name and said "I love you". I would honestly be insane and think that someone was out there listening, than have the connection validated and then closed once it was validated. I can excuse insanity as my own problem and can deal with that. Insanity due to loneliness is almost predictable when in my situation, rejection is as well, but hurts worse than the insanity. Blissful creation of castles in the sky, and knowing that they are nothing more than that can keep me sane by aknowledging the insane parts and slightly distancing me from them. So I'd rather have strong fantasies, then even more potent realities that end. I understand why they end. I understand why women seem to run from me. After all, I won't claim to have that much to offer. I am a humble and honest man after all. I also know that my need to have someone there for me makes me weak in some areas and I'll grasp too tightly when someone is there and thus strangle the relationship sometimes.

Oh well, too much honesty. I did say that this blog is unfiltered. I can honestly say that I'm a bit too lonely for my own good. Lonely at all is not that good, to be honest. I will acknowledge that there are people who live with this ache on a constant basis. I thought that I had felt someone praying for me that was feeling that way on a few occasions over the past year and a half. Apparently either I am wrong, or they have learned as I have, to not trust one's heart to not lead off a cliff into pain. How can anyone these days offer unconditional love to a stranger? Is it harder to feel love for someone you know personally than a complete stranger? I'm curious, because I've had experiences that tell me that it is true, but don't understand it myself because I'm the opposite due to my lack of trust in general.

Again, post comments on articles you read, just so that I know someone is reading, if nothing else, leave me your name. I will not hunt you down or seek you out without your permission. I just need to know if I'm being heard by someone.

Christmas letter.

2007-12-24T11:35:00.000-08:00

Christmas Letter 2007

Hello to all my adoring fans, friends, and family. This year has been a rather hard year for my family, complete with divorce and attempted restraining order in addition to the funerals of both my remaining living grandparents No, I won’t claim it to be the easiest year I’ve lived through, but at least I have lived through it. I’m living with my parents, and have my kids Monday-Friday, with the kids going to their mother’s house on the week ends. That has been a good thing for Jacob, Mary, and Nathan since they are being watched by their Grandma Hacking during the day while I’ve been at work. They have developed a close bond with their grandparents and uncles that I honestly don’t think would have been possible otherwise. I’m currently going to school through Western Governors University, which has been interesting and the only way I have hopes of getting my Bachelors degree at this point with my schedule as full as it is.

This year I turned 30 and I’ve been to two dances and on two dates since the divorce and am attending a Singles Branch as a perpetual visitor whenever my kids are at their mother’s house on the weekend.

May you all have a very merry Christmas.

Sincerely,

Jonathan

Another note about lonlines and the cost of it

2007-12-23T06:37:00.000-08:00

Loneliness has a terrible cost. It makes a hole in one's armor that cannot be easily mended and I hate it. I hate the desperate need to have someone there who can say "I love you" badly enough to accept any promise of it to the point that you will do almost anything for them to keep on saying it. That dependence can only be stopped by hardening more than I care to harden myself, but fear that I have already done so. I may have done so because I cannot live with the though of being manipulated by a woman in that way. I've been manipulated too long in that regard. I've been hurt worst by those that I love. I fall too darn easy because of that need, and there are people that are out there that understand that and will use it to catch and keep me for thier own purposes. My only true protection is something I hate as much as that weakness, and that is fear. Fear and mistrust of those that keep saying "I Love you" too easily allows me to retreat inside my web of paranoia and fear. Love has not treated me nicely. Trust has been broken by those in whom I have held dear. I cannot trust my needs to keep me safe. Love for me has become a desperate need that I refuse to satisfy easily. I wish that it were not true.

Oh well,
May everyone who reads this have only the best this Holiday season.

Dance club experience has been redeemed.

2007-12-21T23:30:00.000-08:00

Last night I went ot the dance club again and found that it was rather nice. I danced with a few nice ladies and found that in many cases that even though I am not that great of a dancer I had fun and there were no major or minor injuries resulting from my two left feet. TO Soul of the Moon, if you ever read this, I don't entirely believe that we will ever be in the same class when it comes to dancing unless I find some time and means to take dance classes and some serious practice time as well, and I don't see that happening within the next long while due to my schedule. Who knows, maybe some day I'll find a girl who thinks I'm prince charming and put me out of my misery. Some days I think she'll have to have x-ray vision or something like that to see the gem inside of me.

Well Have a Merry Christmas.

Grown up Christmas wishes of a divorced man

2007-12-16T05:10:00.000-08:00

Those of you who are frequent readers, please forgive my slipping into being pathetic, but here are my honest Christmas wishes that I know can't be filled, but still are Christmas wishes none the less.

1. To go downtown and see the Christmas lights at Temple Square with a woman that is not married or directly related to me in any way and talk with her. (okay, I do have one particular woman in mind, but can't say even in this blog at this time)

2. To not feel empty this Christmas
3. To have the Christmas spirit I remember having as a child.
4. To quit dreading Holidays and the emptiness that they pose to a divorced man like myself.
5. To loose the hatred, fear, and animosity I feel towards my ex wife over the custody of my kids.
6. For my ex wife to understand that I am not fighting for custody of our kids for my own benefit, but for thier sakes, and because I was commanded by the Lord to do it. Also, for her to quit fighting over it, because I've been tired of fighting for the past 6 years or so. I'm not a fighter by nature, but fight when told to do so.
7. For all those who have been there for me during my divorce, whether they knew me or not, to receive miracles of their own equal to what I feel their help has been to me. If it were possible, there would be some pretty hefty miracles happening to those people, because there are some people that have been there for me that I can't possibly ever thank enough. I have had my life saved many times this year in more way than one.

Well, 7 wishes is more than Aladin got, and I'd ask for more, but I believe that it covers more than I have right to ask for in the first place.

May all who read this blog have a Merry Christmas.

I refuse to be afraid any more

2007-12-13T11:38:00.000-08:00

For years of marriage I was afraid of my wife and what she could say that would wound as painfully as if it were a blow with hand or knife. In divorce I feared her threats of calling the cops on me or of taking action against me. NO MORE. I refuse to be afraid anymore of anything she may try to say or do. She can threaten, but her previous attempts of getting a restraining order against me failed, her accusations of various kinds of abuse fell short due to a lack of evidence, and her false claims have fallen flat on thier face. I have learned over the past year and a half that there are two kinds of fearlessness, one where you don't care what happens anyways, and the other where you trust God to take care of things. I believe for the moment I have both. I trust God to take care of me, and in those areas he doesn't deem it important to shield me from pain I don't care about anyways.
I've already lost too much to not understand that everything is in God's hands as it is anyways. There is no cause for fear, and so now I stand tall and shout to the world "NO MORE! I REFUSE TO COWER AND HIDE IN FEAR FROM ANYTHING OR ANYONE ANYMORE!"

I say the same thing in the direction of my other fears as well. I know that in the end I will find a way to manage or live no matter what. I recognize for the moment that I can say this "NO MORE WILL I LIVE IN AND WITH FEAR !!!!!"

Memo to all princesses that may be tired of waiting for Prince Charming:

2007-12-10T03:37:00.000-08:00

The awaited Prince Charming may be late or unseen for one of the following reasons:

1. Lost in the woods. If you don't see him, go looking for him, and pray for guidance to find him.
2. Transfigured into some form that you might not recognize him in. Take a good look at the frogs, vermin, rocks, peasants, wounded soldiers, and even Ogres around. You might find that Prince Charming has been hanging around you without you realizing that he is there because he is not in the form that you have been expecting him in.
3. In plain sight, but not able to see you. If you do see him, but he doesn't see you. Get his attention. He may simply bee near sighted, blind, or even bewitched so as to not be able to see you when he meets you. In those cases, take his hand and gently walk with him a while and talk to him until he recognizes you and takes you into his arms and you two ride off into the sunset.

This memo is being sent from a prince charming in disguise, who also is afraid that his beautiful princess will see him and not recognize him for who he is. He also at times feels lost in the woods, and even deliberately blinds himself just in case he sees her and is rejected by her because of his transformation because rejection is man's greatest secret fear, and the one that causes some of his own harshness and foolishness.

There may be other reasons for Prince Charming to not be around. He may be the one held prisoner, for example.

Princesses, Please do NOT GIVE UP HOPE! With prayer for guidance, and even a bit of magic, all of your worries about prince charming may be solved.

Hate this divorce thing meaning I'll be lonely for the Holidays

2007-12-06T04:56:00.001-08:00

My life. I love the direction it is going, forward. I just wish that I couldn't guarantee that I will be lonely in the midst of family this Christmas. I feel fairly safe in saying that I trust myself to screw up often and well in the social scene and distance people accidentally because of my own desperation. What more can I say than I am who I am, honest, and genuine. Since I conceal little, I fall flat on my face often. Oh well,

May you receive the gifts that matter most to you this Holiday season.

Warning this is unfiltered what I am feeling over the past day or two

2007-12-05T03:17:00.000-08:00

SO here goes..... Christmas means a lot to me and when I give gifts to those close to me I try and settle personal debts accrued over the past year. This year I have too many debts to settle in any way that I feel that I can do justice. I am so grateful for the support my parents have given me and my kids that I wish I could find something that expresses the depth of my gratitude. I also am immensely grateful to my brothers, Zachary and Daniel, because they are good uncles to my kids for the most part and help me out with them often when I take my kids shopping. I try to reward them when I take them, but I still want to thank them appropriately as well. The gifts I have received from Cassie and Crystal have had pictures of my kids and they mean so much to me as well. I don't think I'll ever think of gifts that can cover my feelings of gratitude towards them. There is a very special woman out there who had been praying for me for over a year and whose presence I have felt during my darkest hours. Even though we aren't speaking or communicating as we used to, I wish I could find words to tell her how much her comfort and love means to me. She was there when I had lost hope and was dying inside. I wish I could give her a gift that would express how literally she has saved my life this past year. Words fail me when I try to think of a way of thanking her enough. Unfortunately for me, my impulsiveness and need to love and be loved by a woman has driven her away. I also acknowledge that I don't have much to offer any woman. I have nothing of this world to offer her. I have no money to speak of, no other assets of the temporal nature. I don't consider myself particularly handsome or clever. I've never been one to play the game. I'm simply me. unpretentious, humble, what you see is what there is. Other gifts that I have are given and taken away at random. Sometimes I can write wonderful poetry. Other times I can't put two words together. Sometimes I sing my worries and sorrows to the wind/Lord. I look at other guys at my work and thier girlfriends, fiancees, or wives, and feel jealous. No matter how much I want to have a girlfriend or significant other, I seem to effectively drive women away by simply being me. Desparate, lonely, me.

I go see August Rush, and feel and hear answers to the lineliness, but fail to be able to act on those feelings. I understand why men re-mary so fast after divorce, I believe that I'll stay single for a while because of my own backwardness socially. I stop myself by the many ways I simply screw up any relationship I start, even on a friend basis, with women.

Thank you whoever visits this blog and reads it. This was an unfiltered, pure, soul baring rant
after a very long night snuggled up with my youngest and having much to think about that kept me awake.

Tribute to the one that kept me sane by making me feel insane

2007-12-02T20:13:00.000-08:00

This is a tribute

to the voice inside my head

To the tender, loving arms, I felt as I cried alone in bed.

You are an angel in every sense of that word

For it was through your voice and comforting touch, that God's love for me I heard.

God made the connection,

You provided the love

The comfort that resulted was from Heaven above

So this is a tribute

To the voice inside my head

To the one whose love filled my heart

When I felt it must be dead

This is a thank you

for what words can't truly express,

How you were there for me and comforted me

In my darkest despair and greatest distress.

Because you found me in trials,

and showed me the light

and even though times are hard at the moment

Everything will turn out right.

I thank the heavens for your love.

Because even though time has changed things

Some things never do

God still uses angels

This time the angel was you.

Thanks again Sweet Angel,
The life you saved may never be able to thank you or repay you enough for what your good works and love has done.

Dance Club experience--BOMB! and Other ramblings

2007-12-01T16:19:00.000-08:00

Last night I learned why I don't go to dance clubs alone. I went to Studio 600, which I had heard was a pretty good place, but after paying more than I expected, I realized that it was NOT the kind of dance I prefer, and so although I didn't mind the soul shaking beat of the music, I couldn't get myself out on the dance floor to dance. That with the fact that I didn't really have anyone there that I knew to simply hang out with increased my boredom. Okay, I still wish I could go back to the days of regional dances, where there were people dressed up a bit and there were slow songs that I could force myself to go ask a girl out to dance every one of them so that I could at least say I danced. I also confess that I am more of a ball room dancer, preferring the swing, but able to dance a mean Cha Cha, or waltz when the situation merits. In frustration I ask, "Where the heck are the dances that I remembered as a teenager gone? Are they gone for good for people like me who are too have been re-singled unfairly at the age of 30?"

Okay, I'm whining about a social life that I wish I had, but have no right to since I got divorced and am fighting for custody of my kids. After all, what woman wants a man who feels broken down and has the baggage of an ex wife and kids of his own? I know that I'm wallowing in self pity, but I somewhat desperately want to live after divorce but having a harder time at it than I would have ever dreamed some days.

I won't deny the fact that I've been greatly blessed since walking out the door. Technically, she told me to leave and after praying about it and feeling that it was the right thing to do, I walked out. I've had special experiences and met some really wonderful people and learned wonderful lessons that I fear I need a refresher course on sometimes. I learned that I am a pretty good guy and not worth half the crap I give myself. I have also learned how to be fearless, ( staying fearless by trusting the Lord completely is another thing). Even making adjustments to being single again has been good. On good days I remember that even pain can be good but to not let it hold me down.

I've decided that although I like dancing, if I have to choose between going to a dance alone or going to a movie alone, I'll go see a good movie. By the way, tonight I'm going to either see the Golden Compass or August Rush tonight.

My new site, aka, the end of the treasure hunt.

2007-12-01T09:28:00.000-08:00

Since Yahoo 360 was eventually going to be phased out, I decided to be proactive and go to Blogger, where I already had friends. If you are reading this, then you are one of my friends that has chosen to find me online again. Not saying I won't still post things on my other blog, but I believe that I will be better at keeping up with this one than the other one.

So now, to all my friends who went on the treasure hunt to find me, congratulations, you can now email me and such at Jonpaup@gmail.com and view my page and what is currently going on in my life.